Vive le Voyeur

Oh yes, Big Brother is back.

I love this bullshit you know. Absolutely love it. A fine mix of voyeurism, psychology, cruelty, people watching, sadism and pure bloody minded stupidity.

Some kind of microcosm of society.

Maybe.

Or just food fun.

I’m watching the opening night. This is normally boring, but I’m going to make it less so (for me) by giving you my thoughts on people as they come in.

Here goes:

Sam and Amanda: Two people? Twins? Young blonde overly made up twins. I’m suspecting that Endemol are hoping for porn this yeah. Running around like excited idiots. They have to do everything together.

Depraved.

Lesley: School Marm? Not quite, retired head hunter. But seriously, she looks like an old school school mistress. The porno argument is definitely gaining ground. Some kind of disgusting all round fetish party going on in a sink. Spending too much time in her intro vid pointing out that she’s eccentric and exciting. Could be horrible, but at the same time, I have a feeling she’s the kind of person that could turn into a violent maniac under the kind of pressure that anyone approaching normal goes under in this sadistic experiment cum gameshow. That or she’ll turn out to be someone’s mother….or perhaps just try to regain her youth by pouring champagne down herself as she lap dances people about a quarter her age.

Good telly? Debatable.

Charley?Charlie?: Damn…didn’t pay attention, too busy typing (I only just decided to do this halfway through Lesley). Favourite word ‘Fuck’. Oh joy, quite a nice looking lady, who looks like she’s having a breakdown as she goes into the house. She has a look of fear in her eyes. She looks like she might just be sane and nice. This makes me pity her.

Lesley appears to be the first to go for the booze. A woman after my own hearts. I imagine she’s just realised that she’s likely to be the oldest person there, surrounded by horrific caricatures of beauty, and she’s decided to head straight for the mind number. This could be hell for her.

Tracey: We’re in raver territory. Pink hair, cleaner, piercing, lairy, up front. Lots of spinning around in the intro vid. I was just about to say that I might like her if I met her in real life, but then she used the phrase ‘to the max’ and I want to kill her….to the max. But no, she seems likeable and honest. This is good, though she might be eaten alive if she’s not as tough as she looks. She saunters through the crowds, taking her time and ranting on whilst gurning. I suspect there may have been drugs in that limosuine. This means there is potential for the rest of the series to turn into some kind of rehab/comedown nightmare for our sprightly little pink pill popping pixie.

Underneath it looks like she’s shitting herself. And she just said ‘have it’ to introduce herself to the house.

Strange grammar.

I love what they look like as they walk down those stairs into the living room. You suddenly see them all have mini panic attacks as they realise what they’re foing. Their masks drop for a few moments, and then reappear as they take a deep breath and smile for the cameras. It’s all about masks.

Channelle: She’s in her undies alot. Quite pretty, but apparently models herself on Victoria Beckham. This means horrible dress sense, though a great haircut. Idiotic pout to go with it.

I do like her dress though. Simple, baby doll type affair (is that the term? I don’t know). Anyway, I’m only talking about her appearence so much because she’s shown no indication of personality so far.

I might like her actually. She just pulled a great face as she went down the stairs. Some kind of swearing.

Where are the men?

Shabnam?: Another lady, ‘Larger than life’. I might like her as well. She just said beep repeatedly. It’s really hard to pay attention whilst typing. SHe loves reading on the toilet, whilst listening to her ipod. I like multi tasking. I like her lime green scarf, but not the horrible leapard skin top. She’s a ‘firecracker’ as they say. She’s demanding people cheer her because she’s nervous. I like her dress (a horrific bright pink with big black spots) and the fact that she’s sensible enough to wear leggings underneath. On opening night in big brother the camera men ALWAYS go for an up the skirt shot. Every time. It’s ludicrous. But she just said no. She’s in the house.

So far, we’ve got everybody in a bundle apart from Lesley and Tracey, who have retreated to their own seats to marvel at the inanity of the people around them. Good idea.

Emily: Drama Student…and another girl. ‘Just like any other girl I like’ massive generalisations? She actually looks really familiar, but it’s possibly because there are only three drama students in the world, and they’ve all been cloned a million times to swell the coffers of failing universities.

Or something.

What is it with minidress that puff out loads. It looks really weird. Nice colour though.

I am a fashion whore.

She’s a tory who thinks she’s really smart. Nothing like a boastful fascist to brighten up a household. She’s kept her mask on as she goes down the stairs. A very theatrical ‘thank god for that’. First impression? I don’t like her. She looks a bit like Donna Air actually. Now there’s a name I haven’t mentioned in a long time.

Ad break. I’ve got to go clean the coffee machine.

Laura: She’s welsh!!!! Wahoo. She’s already awesome. Talking incredibly fast and saying really much to much. She’s great. My favourite so far. She loves food and cooking and appears to be entirely mental. She also has ludicrous earings. She’s some kind of lovely maniac. Possibly an idiot. But a nice one. And all that is from the way she talks, he smile and her high fives.

She’s scared of science (wise beyond her years? Possibly not.) Perhaps she’s from the 12th Century or something. She looks a little bit like Dott from that band whose name escapes me(The Gossip…remembered five minutes later). That might just be a polite way of saying she’s overweight and has dark hair.

Nicky: More lady. With awful modern r’n'b music over her intro. She seems calm. Which could be nice. She likes electro…which is promising. She’s sick of men. SHe’s half irish, half indian. And she’s worried that she looks miserable.

I don’t know what to say. She’s very pretty but has terrible hair.

I am so shallow.

Lesley is still knocking back booze everytime she is shown. She does not appear to be talking to anyone. Bless her.

Nicky definitely looks scared shitless.

Carole: another oldie. Grey hair and from Lahhndahn. UNemployed health worker and activist unionist. Likes shouting and seems quite bold. Terrible boots. ‘Here’s the fucking argument’. Awesome. She looks like she eats tanks for breakfast, no doubt covered in brown sauce. I may like her, or she may make me want to rip my arms out and beat myself to death.

It’s too early to say.

So as the bundle becomes bigger, we see zero Y chromosomes evident. Perhaps the porn theory was more prescient than I thought. After all, I doubt this is going to be an experiment in feminism.

Davina assures us that one man will enter on Friday. Predictable. I assume they expect him to be savaged by the wanton sexuality of eleven women cooped up for two days without men to fawn over.

I hope that this is interesting for all the right reasons…not the wrong one.

There you go. I stayed open twenty minutes extra for that. I hope it was worth it.

Personally I think I’ve told you more about how shallow I can be (when watching tv) than anything else…but what the hell.

Bring it on BB. I still love you.