I’ve been very busy you see, and certain projects are falling by the way side. Script frenzy has stalled, I keep on breaking dates to watch the end of firefly, and this digital cave is getting mossy.
I haven’t been writing, but I have been reading (being about ten years behind the fashionable literati, I’m currently enjoying Dave Eggers‘ Heartbreaking work etc etc…tis teh book shit) and doing things. DJing at the party the other night went really well. I got a crowd reallymoving to some pretty off kilter shit, and the guy playing slightly more traditional party fair (soul and r’n'b stuff) cleared the room. It wasn’t perfect, and an intake of chemicals (haven’t done that for a while) means that a couple of mixes I thought were spot on may have been awful. But yeah….I’m pretty sure some incredibly tricky mixes went perfectly. It is not easy to slam between high paced broken beat noisecore, but when it works just so…it’s amazing.
So yeah, recovery from that yesterday…I haven’t felt that bad for a while either. I felt irresponsible but saitsfied….sometimes you need to allow yourself a day to sit around doing nothing apart from watching lame films and trying to persuade people to go and buy you lemonade.
If life gives you people and all that….
So today is after a good nights’ sleep and everything’s feeling a lot better. The world isn’t exactly rose tinted though, and it’s an even more bus like (is anyone getting that? am I being too clever or too stupid?) week. Not because of extra curriculars mind (though I think Thursday has been filled, and Tuesday remains T’ai Chi day) but because I’ve volunteered for extra hours at the lie berry. Which essentially means over forty hours of work this week without me seeing the financial benefits until the August. By which time I’ll probably be living on the streets feeding out of dustbins (another source of stress, we have to find a new place to live in about five weeks with four people who live on non matching time tables and with entirely different budgets and standards, and actually it’s only three and a half weeks…I just said five to make myself feel better….it didn’t work).
Add to this the final nail in the coffin of my love life (hammered in last week, with a couple of extra blows delivered over the weekend, just to make sure I really am suffering) and quite frankly, I think it’s surprising that I’m not broken down into tears of fear and loneliness all the fucking time.
Instead I’m just bumbling through. Work is like being in cruise control, simply trying to keep my mind occupied with even the vaguest interest in the never changing landscape. It seems to eat up my whole life and drain my spirit a little.
On the plus side, saw a good friend on Friday, she’s well and adventuring and I’m envious. There are a couple of friends I have who I only see very rarely, and who never fail to inspire me. She’s one, and I thank her for that.
Out of work I’m normally too tired to do much or have only jsut woken up (that’s now) and so am too hazy to think that clearly.
Still, at least I can whinge and whine on my blog for twenty minutes before I go to work.
No seriously though, I don’t need sympathy, that’s for people who haven’t made their own beds. I know I am the one in charge of my life, and I know that I’m going to keep on going.
Heck, I still spend most of the time smiling at the little miracles.
I just feel a bit like I need a big one right now.
Well, in spite of the fact that you don’t want sympathy (don’t think of this as sympathy) I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time. When it rains it pours, right? Everything, sooner or later, has a way of working out– you can always count on that. Most of the time things work out completely different than how we plan or want them to, but usually it also works out for the better.
Anyway. I am rambling.
I hope that things do get better for you sooner rather than later.
heart. mckenzie.
Tanks x
I’m still hungover from Saturday. Managed to have a Sunday roast with my parents & brother, and go up to Devil’s Dyke where we flew the BAMK (big-arsed man kite) for a couple of hours. Then the hangover kicked in. I slept from about 4pm til 11, as the alternative – namely, being conscious – *hurt* so much.
Naturally, I blame you, your music, and your affable housemates.
Still up for something fairly laid-back on Thursday (ideally, but not necessarily alcohol-free), with which to distract you?
I’ll be available (though perhaps tired) after five. So if you have distracting ideas, then that’s good.
Hi Alabaster:
Heartical, man. We must persist, because the alternatives are too awful to contemplate.
My favourite duck-billed platitude is that “So long as the body is warm and the bowels move regularly, no other problem can be anything but temporary.”
Stolen from Heinlein, methinks.
Hang in there.
I like that a lot…and indeed, my bowels are as fully functional as any vegan’s can be….
Is it one of the Proverbs from Time enough for Love? I loved that book, despite the occasional fascist overtones.
While there are some things I think the blogosphere need never know, I am glad to hear you appear to be in sound health.
I’m almost certain it’s an excerpt from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long, contained in TEFL.