So, let’s say I like a girl.
What do I do?
I have trouble with this stage of things. I’m damn good at chatting, ‘flirting’ and generally socialising, but I find it hard to show that I am genuinely interested, or know what to do. I have this problem with the actual..you know…dating part.
All the Yank RomComs don’t help either, they seem to live in this strange world where dating is a scene (a question for the US contingent: Is it really seriously like that over there?) rather than something that can only happen if Cilla Black is cackling nearby.
I just don’t get it. I mean, I clearly don’t belong to the ‘out on the pull’ scene. For a start, I can never hear people in clubs and pubs, maybe it’s just wax, or maybe I’m slightly deaf (my worst problem is that I almost always think I can hear what is said, only it sounds like nonsense, so I get confused and what not…I have a weird mind that tends to plug rude words into sentences if there’s any doubt about what was said….it can be embarrassing…or, at best, it leads to me saying ‘WHAT?’ really loud, all the time). But also, I’m not willing to be this typical macho stereotype, I’m not going to push myself on someone, I’m not going to take command or make a move unless I’m certain of reciprocation. Add that to a complete lack of body language reading when I’m the focus, and I basically stand no chance.
So I resign myself to just having a good time when I go out clubbing, I dance like a maniac and drink too much and generally act like a tit, and I smile…a lot. Perhaps left in my trail is a string of fawning and rejected young ladies, all desperately sad at having missed their chance with the ‘Baster, but realistically, they’re more likely to just be happy that the smelly hairy weirdo has stopped flinging his limbs into their personal space (maniacal dancing remember…not what you think). I’m not complaining, I enjoy it, but at the same time I always crave that companionship (and all that goes with it….the infantile part of my mind says ‘wahey’ quietly in the corner) that comes from having a partner, somebody to fight the world with (or at least someone to stand by your side every now and then).
Maybe it’s a problem of mine, but I find myself lacking focus unless I’ve got that. It just makes me more downbeat generally, increases my feelings of loneliness (that have been quite prominent of late…busy schedules plus a lack of homeliness at home means I feel like I’m not making much real contact with anyone…or at least not enough….we had a housewarming the other night, and that certainly warmed the house while it was in process, but in fact just left me alone in the house with a killer hangover on a beautiful day….not ideal…did watch the Twin Peaks film though, that was good….but I digress).
Anyway, so I have this issue. I socialise readily with people I’m interested and not interested in. I’m used to just being friends with everyone I meet, and do a fairly good job of it. I maintain many platonic relationships with many lovely people and that’s all good. But how do you ‘knock one up a notch’ (though not necessarily by knocking anyone up at all) without risking the friendship already there. I mean, even just a brief casual proposition (drop an e-mail asking if you fancy a drink sometime, with some kind of hint that the implication is ‘just the two of us’) could make things weird for a while. A rejection is always a rejection, and might add a whole raft of ‘sexual politics’ to a newly built friendship. The last thing I want is for a good friend to become uncomfortable around me because I’ve made my interest explicit and it isn’t reciprocated.
Lets be honest too, there’s a lot of fear here. I’ve kinda stumbled into every relationship I’ve had, without really feeling like I’ve gone through this process. A sequence of events, almost nonsensical in their simplicity, results in me suddenly being in a relationship, even if those events can be oddly romantic (the one where I met someone whilst on mushrooms, and ended up lying in the same bed together in an incredibly gentle embrace, barely even really there, because I needed some thing to ground me a little and she needed someone to protect her from a rather sleazy advantage taker, we slept and woke up, and within a couple of weeks we were going out. The second meeting was a date of sorts, we went to see a friends bag, and simply stood by each other, both too nervous to talk, before the end of the set we were kissing, and then we started talking properly. Something about that story I find incredibly romantic, even if it is a bit unusual, to say the least.) So yeah, I’m terrified of actually speaking up, because it means putting things, including me, on the line. I have esteem issues enough as it is without anyone explicitly saying ‘You are not a suitable partner’. I can deal with rejection from job interviews fine, but my heart just ain’t that stable.
But perhaps I’ve answered my question already. It’s that stumbling thing, that’s the answer, just carry on living my life, be positive, be the happiest person I can, the contented, the fluid, the supple, the centred and purposeful, and someone’ll notice, and something’ll happen, and then I’ll be there again.
It’s hard to have faith in that, it’s hard to be patient. Perhaps that is the virtue I need to work on. I don’t know.
On the other hand, do I really want to embrace this kind of passivity. I worry about that a lot, it’s easy to get so in a rut that you are unable to get out. I mean, right now, I’m in a job that I sometimes enjoy, but need to continue with. This is like what I talked about previously, with having stuff I’d rather be doing, but not the time or money to make those things happen again. I’m going to apply for more hours at the lie berry, but it might not go well, and it’s hardly a grand shift.
Is waiting and seeing really acceptable? There’s certainly arguments, from some of the theory of T’ai Chi I’ve been learning, there’s an emphasis on waiting, but also observing. You need to notice the opportunities, and reach for them.
It’s like the pushing hands thing, it looks like it might be about pushing people over, but in fact, (apparently…I’m not far enough along to really have this down, I’m just repeating what I’ve heard) it’s more about moving with someone, until you find them to be off balance, uncentred or unaware. Feel that right moment, sense it, and take advantage.
Now, I don’t like combative metaphors when talking about male/female relationships, for obvious reasons. But perhaps that is another key. I need to work on my sensing, my powers of observation.
Perhaps I just need to practice more T’ai Chi. I’m absolutely rubbish at doing it outside of class. Which makes me fairly useless all round. Though it is coming. Slowly.
I guess that’s part of my problem. I am aware of more solutions that I bother to try. I am definitely a worrier, with moments of great confidence. I’m a bit of a contradiction really. But I survive.
So yeah, I’ll continue to try to get to know people, its a joy in and of itself. Maybe things will start to happen, maybe they won’t. I guess I just need to ease my mind away from this sort of unfocussed focus.
Tis strange.
Any ideas anyone?
So, like, actually telling her is out then?
Just remember: out of the thousands of people you meet, there are perhaps dozens of people you might date, of whom perhaps a handful will date you. Of that reduced number there is hopefully one (at least) with whom you can form a satisfying lifetime relationship, and perhaps a couple of dozen you can pal around with for a while, as and when.
If you meet 100,000 people in your lifetime, then there are probably about 120 you could date, 40 who could date you too, and perhaps 8 potential lifemates/bang buddies/platonic lifetime friends.*
With odds like that, I suggest dumping subtlety. After all, you haven’t a lot of time to waste if you’re going to sort those eight people from the herd.
*Liz Taylor’s odds are slightly better
Fear, both for my ego, and for the ‘risk to the friendship’.
That’s one of those couches I’m fond of hiding behind.
I just said couch…what’s that about.
But yeah….you’re right, I’m biding time I think..
Not that there’s anyone specific in mind…ahem.
You know I prefer the honest approach, though being too direct is also a bit embarassing. It’s something between the two.
Smile, but don’t smile too much. That’s creepy.
You know, I didn’t realise how clueless I was.
But I know a great way to start is to find out what her interests are and may be, if you don’t know anything about it ask her to explain it to you, or if you do you can start a discussion on what you do know about it. That is if you are interested in her interests. Then slow and steady.
Though honestly I don’t believe common intersts can cement a relationship. They’re always a bonus, the rest depends on your personalities clicking. (Like you didn’t know that.)
But yeah, that’s what I would warm up to, with anyone. Interests.
Btw, I forgot to say I think it’s really sweet —even though the said person is no one specific (ahem.)
I realise it has been a long long time since I set out to capture a date (the DATE, not the person) however, from memory I had two rules. Isolate and listen. Find a quiet corner. Possibly explain your deafness (for that is what it is, and loud music will only make it worse). Then listen. Very few males listen. They talk! Be different and listen to what the prospective date has to say. Find out her interests. Let her lead the conversation. When you find the common interest from her conversation, then you have a point of contact. Don’t underestimate the ‘wahey’ factor. Just remember it works both ways. She may be “wahey”ing you! I recognise the difficulties today. You, as an emancipated male cannot do the wahey thing and she, even as a liberated female is normally unable to break the societal norms and make the first move. Anyway, good luck with no one specific (ahem).
Thanks for the advice kids.
You’re all being adorable methinks, and I think you’ve got it right. I particularly enjoy Archie’s Wahey-ing and remain optimistic that he’s right.
Also, if things work out (or perhaps even if they don’t) and ‘nobody specific’ needs to be mentioned on here, then I think we already have a name for her (ahem).
i have to agree with the listening thing. also, just ask her to talk about her. that makes people comfortable. paying attention to a woman, truly paying attention, goes a long way.
I could never hear in pubs and clubs either. I felt like a retard yelling “What” and “I’m sorry” and making the other person say everything again and again until it was too embarrassing to say what again and then trying to guess at an answer that went with what they just said… and watching that are you a bit cooked look come across their faces when I got it hopelessly wrong. When you want to knock it up a notch it’s just a question of relaxing, being honest – but not in a way that’s too cheesy and yeh, follow archiearchive’s advice… it’s good!
Cheers
BC
PS trust me about archie’s advice, I know because I’m a girl! ;-)
I’m a girl too and all I have to say is that YES, it really is like that in North America. Dating is a “scene” that requires a special wardrobe and competitive instincts you haven’t used that deeply since you were at school.
The whole process terrifies me.
Anyway, situations change for the stranger all the time. This post is now hopelessly out of date as the whole issue has kind of exploded in a thousand different ways. Details would be too detailed for my liking, so I’m keeping schtumm. But yeah….the world takes you by surprise sometimes.
And occasionally pies.
Mmmmmm.