Is Sex Sexuality? – My Gender Agenda – PoMoLoco

So, thinking it was going to be more queer theory than it actually was I’ve been reading a book about challenging conventional ideas of gender and sexuality called Pomosexuals. It’s interesting, but it’s not what I hoped for, though I remain happy with the Portmanteau made of ludicrous abbreviation….I love that shit.

Anyway, it’s worth noting that it’s starting point of conventional ideas of gender and sexuality (ie the ones it tries to challenge) are of those embraced, and seemingly enforced by Queer society. Basically this means that the book is a series of first person stories, often bordering on erotica (often intentionally) about the experiences of people who don’t follow mroe narrowly defined ides of homosexuality, and transgender. We’re talking lesbians loving gay men, lesbians who change sex and turn gay (and vice versa) and all this kind of stuff.

It’s all fascinating, and fairly varied, and challenging. But I’ve actually found it not challenging enough. I find it strange that a lot of ‘queer’ society won’t accept straightness at all. Now, actually, I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that not being straight, means forfeiting male privilege, means (sometimes) completely divorcing oneself from heteronomrative society…and that must be difficult, and so I understand the desire for seperatism (the same as I do in feminist movements, though I wish it was not neccesary.

One thing I’ve been wondering is whether my self identification as straight (with a bit of wiggle room) is made out of fear of abandoning my gender defined roles and the privilege that I try to reject but in fact maintain anyway. Now a part of me wants to start identifying as ‘queer’. But I know that I can’t. I haven’t had the experience, and my general path is one that is relative het. My fantasy life may be more varied, and I may be partial to plenty of ‘unconventional’ things, and happy with that…but it hardly makes me gay. Even the fact that I’m incredibly open to the possibility of new experiences only really places me as bi, perhaps bi-curious (though I’ve often felt that that is a term born of fear of people identifying as having any real homosexual desires).

I guess I am bi, but with no experience under my belt, it’s hard to make that feel right. Then I have crossdressing leanings…but that’s a strange one. It’s not entirely a sexual thing, in fact mostly it’s about challenging gender assumptions, it’s about genderfuck as opposed to specifically presenting as cross. I try to do that a lot. Mostly just for parties and things, and mostly just in crowds I expect to understand…but yeah…there’s a lot of pleasure in the sexualising of one’s body that dressing more femininely represents.

Though it bothers me incredibly that sexualisation is regarded as a femininity, we go back to gender abolition (in my eyes) though, with the fact that I don’t think the feminine is attached to the woman, and that’s kind of the point.

I wish there was a more varied language to talk about all this stuff available. I’m learning…but it’s difficult.

But what do we learn. Basically, gender and sexuality are so much more fluid than anyone thinks. Sure I reckon there are people who are straightforward vanilla (whether that’s gay, straight or whatever…or even simply specifically gender changed) and there are people who fall outside those norms (outside of homonormativity as well as heteronormativity) and people who change by the year, month, week, day or minute. Fluidity is the key.

Anyway, I just remembered I’m not talking about my title. One other thing I noticed from the book, was how much sex is the focus. I don’t understand that. I mean…trust me…I know what it’s like to think about sex a lot. But I don’t let my sexuality or gender create my personality and identity.

Maybe it’s because I’m not part of these groups, because I’ve not had to fight for recognition of who I am. But I find it strange to build your identity, even jsut your sexual identity, upon what sort of sex you have. The Bi-phobia thing for example. If you’re a lesbian, and then have sex with a man, then that doesn’t stop you being a lesbian…it just means you’ve had sex with a man. If you enjoyed it, you enjoyed it….but that doesn’t change your sexual identity, it just means you’ve done something.

Which perhaps comes back to me selfishly wanting to adopt queer identity without having had the sex. Is fantasy enough? Is imagination is enough? Is doing the weird in bed enough?

Probably not, but I personally think I exist in a state of flux. That’s what I mean by openness to new experience. I am ready to get into encounters, relationships, or whatever, with anyone that I feel comfortable with…anyone I fit with. That seems to happen only one way, as a rule…but there’s always been an element of androgyny to my relationships. At least I feel that way (I hope nobody is offended by that). At the end of the day, I like to celebrate the androgynous. In the circles I move in, certainly, it’s the women who are more likely to adopt that pose (once again…the need to reject femininity is much more accepted, and more ‘understandable’ than the need to reject masculinity….masculinity is the good stuff after all….society tells us….damn this is complicated)…so I tend to end up with the women.

Maybe I’m not as open as I aspire to be, but I am trying. I’m not going to push myself into something that isn’t right for me…but part of me feels like I should. Like I need to confirm my words with actions.

And I fall into the trap. I’m equating my aspirational identity with my sex life. As if the sex creates the identity. I do not think this is the case.

There really is more to life than this.

 Is anyone following all this? I know I’m confusing, but I think that’s the point. Apologies if I’ve been offensive, as always I am open to criticism. Remember what I always say…I’m trying to work things out here…I’m not setting anything in stone. And if I am, it’s Alabaster…and that erodes quickly and easily. So don’t worry.