Mild Performative – Acting Up

So, this whole booze free thing has made me think.

A couple of times this week I’ve been out at pubs drinking the old OJ, water and tea, whilst the people surrounding me get sloshed.

Now, in these situations I start to lose inhibitions and act slightly outrageously. It’s like a put on a mildly drunk persona. Part of this is simply a reaction to the loosening of people around me. I’m quite comfortable being outre with my friends, because…well…that’s a part of who I am. So when everybody gets silly, I see an opportunity to let out that side of me.

But there’s another element to this behaviour, one related to Phantomias’s ponderances upon masks and the behaviours they make us evince. I do believe that a hell of a lot of human behaviour is performative. It’s definitely true of me. I know that I act a certain way. I skip, hop and dance as I walk around town. When I’m listening to music at a club or gig, I like to dance incongruously, ie swinging to rock or moshing to jazz etc. I say things deliberately intended to amuse or irk people around me. I over-emphasise certain aspects of my personality, and often act quite the egomaniac. The way I dress is always a part of it.

It’s all for other people. I mean, it’s something I enjoy, but part of that enjoyment is from the fact that I know I’m making an impression on people. People react to the way you act. You can’t stop that. People like me who are in touch with their inner extrovert tend to be the people who are more aware of this, the people who play up to it rather than shy away.

It’s kinda like selling yourself to the people around you. You stop being answerable only to yourself and start performing for your ‘audience’. It’s problematic. I know that I allow myself to act in ways I would consider negative because I know it will get a positive  reaction…or at least because it fulfills the expectations of those around me. I don’t mean I go around murdering babies because I’m surrounded by people who find that funny…and I do a fairly good job of steering clear of more mild things I ethically disagree with. Obviously.

What I mean is that I’ll be obnoxious, egotistical, self obsessed and shallow. These are all aspects of my personality, but they’re the ones I don’t like, and want to change….but when I’m getting into the performance part of the evening, I magnify them, let them loose, and watch the results. In myself I know I’m not being me. I kind of assume that the people around me know me well enough to know I’m faking it. If I think they might not know me well enough I start apologising and start looking schizophrenic.

Which could, of course, be the point here.

But I don’t think it is.

We all have various aspects that we can point in various different directions. We have to, it’s how society functions. You act a certain way with your friends, and a totally different way with your work mates. even within your friends, or your work environment, there’s a hundred different faces. There’s the friend who needs cheering up and the one who needs warning. There’s sucking up to the manager and being friendly with customers.

It’s all different types of performance….we are all actors upon the stage of life and all that crap.

So where’s being yourself in all this?

Well….I sometimes think it’s actually a dead end. There isn’t a self separate from our performance…there’s just a self that is always performing.

Don’t let yourself think that you can act up and thus escape your actions. It’s still you…it’s just a certain part of you.

When you’re performing your roles…you’re still just being you. So don’t be like me…make sure you spend more time magnifying your positives and less time showing everyone your downside.

But don’t just gloss over it. Don’t just act like it isn’t there. We are all flawed, and we can only help ourselves by seeing that, showing that, and dealing with it.

Maybe it’s all about being whole in what you do. Invest yourself fully in who you are and what you do. Allow yourself to manifest fully in everything you do. This doesn’t mean not performing…it just means performing honestly. You may not be able to ‘just be yourself’ but you could try acting yourself.

Maybe.

Another important thing, is of course, to enjoy yourself. Act out, perform roles you’d like to be, dress up to suit those new roles, see how many aspects of yourself you have…explore, find, and add to them. Again, it’s about making yourself whole…making you into the fullest expression of you you can be. This can be done through experimentation. If you think of yourself as a wallflower, then next time you go to a party, wear something outrageous and try and act the part. You may find it easier with people you don’t know so well…or rather, who don’t know you so well. If you’re always the ludicrous drunk fun lover, try going out and not drinking, wearing a more staid outfit and ready to chat and be sensible.

Experiment, it’s the best way to learn. You might find there’s more you in you than you thought.

(I am proud of the amount of you in that sentence).

So perform as  much of who you are as you can, everywhere, for everyone.

If that makes any sense.