The Greatest Gift that I Possess?

 In a brief (possibly that’s it actually, we’ll see how things go) break from my recollections of the weekend, I’m going to do something a bit different.

That is, listen to something somebody else said.

The always inspirational Brightfeather is asking questions about happiness. I only looked at the first two before deciding that I’d take part in this is some kind of experiment. So here’s what I’m thinking. This could be quite rocky for me, but hopefully it’ll be interesting. And I’m unfortunately going to have to rush, as I’ve got to finish work soon. I’ll see what I can do.

What makes you happy at work?

Helping people. Smiling. Knowing that someone’s life get’s made a little bit better. And teaching people things as well. This is why I love the library so much. I can talk and discuss with members of the public, and hopefully lead them a little bit closer to something like learning, happiness, or whatever. That makes me feel good. Sharing knowledge. Being friendly. Making people smile and meeting new people.

 What makes you happy at home?

Relaxing. A break now and then. A clean space. A good friend to chat to. A nice cup of tea. Harmony. Somewhere I can go and cry, and someone who’ll make me laugh. When those things are present, I’m happy at home.

What makes you happy with your friends and family?

Open communication. I lack this with my family, but it’s what I value most in my friends. But then, every now and then, me and my ma will have the most amazing chat, and I’ll let her know how I really feel…and that feels great. Honest open communication. That’s what I value. Plus when my friends get on. Nothing gives me more stress than my friends being mean to each other. Also when I get to see them. Just that opportunity to catch up with an old friend and have even the briefest of chat. Having a dance with a friend. Letting go for a second.

And hugs….never ever ever forget hugs

What makes you happy when you’re by yourself?

Music. Smiling at myself in the mirror and not feeling disgust (normally only works straight after a shower, but I am getting better). Cleaning my room. Dancing (even more fun on your own than it is with friends). Singing, loudly and badly. Remembering people I’ve loved and lost. Looking out the window into blue skies or beautiful landscapes. Walking with a bounce in my step. Music again. Laughing out loud and something I’ve thought, then getting shy, then laughing at myself for being shy about it.

What do you love to do?

Write, talk, dance and move. Teach and learn. Especially learning. All communication. All words. Dressing up, dressing down. Curling up in a warm space. Dipping my feet into the water. See loved ones. Fall in love. Tell people I love them (and mean it). Hug my friends. Bang drums and whistle. Making songs and sounds with my mouth. Imagining that I’m performing.

What would you do with your life today if you weren’t afraid of failure?

Leave work, leave the city, and explore the world and the countryside without means to survive. Rely on strangers and ingenuity and nature for a while. Sit by a river for a week or ten. Quit my job and start trying to write, teach, consult and learn for a living. Become something halfway between a guru, a teacher, a scholar, a minstrel and a journalist.

Try and change the world.

What’s not working in your life?

There just doesn’t seem to be enough time. I am spread to thinly between work, friends and various commitments to ever just sit back and relax. I’m not seeing enough friends often enough. I spend too much time hungover or drunk, which is almost never genuinely productive.

What are you currently doing that prevents you from experiencing joy?

Drinking too much. Working too much. Not sleeping enough. Worrying too much. Thinking about sex (and my lack of it) too much.

What’s working in your life?

I’m (mostly) enjoying my work. Even if it is taking up too much time for not enough reward, I am happy while I’m there (except when I’m hungover, and that passes). I’m meeting new people all the time, and I’m learning all the time. I am becoming much more comfortable in myself, and with myself. I am starting to gain enough confidence to be less arrogant and over confident (contradictory I know, but it’s a defense mechanism of mine)  and more genuinely me. I am starting to calm down, too some extent, and I am really starting to realise what I do think is important. My blogging, though no longer as busy with the comments as it once was, is still providing me with an outlet and a learning opportunity.

Which relationships are working in your life?

At the moment, I think my relationship with Fanny is very strong at the moment. The same goes for Feral, Caveman (when I see him), the Hexagon and the exveganex. I’m finding a new closeness to Justo and getting lots of enjoyment from time spent with the Moose and the Bit. Plumpy is a new source of fun in my house, though I don’t know if I’m totally comfortable with her in an emotional way…but I think that’ll come with time. Tubs is a joy to rekindle friendship with, though I sometimes think he thinks I don’t mean it when I say I love him (same goes for Plumpy really….I am also happy that their relationship is working).

 Who’s not working in your life?

The obvious answer is those that I don’t see often enough. The boys back home and the various crews that circulate in different areas. The people who had to move back after uni, and the people I don’t make time to see. Most of that is about geography though, and the people themselves will always be comfortable again as soon as we get in contact. My family I have difficulty, because we are bad at being close, but actually, I think it is just that we don’t express it in the most obvious ways. Like most families though, we know it’s there whatever, and that’s important.

I spend a lot of time worrying about Punky, which may or may not simply be projection. It feels to me like she’s drinking to much and not being comfortable with herself…but like I say, I could just be talking about me and redirecting it. I also feel a lot of guilt because I have caused her some minor problems recently. It was unavoidable, and it was only a small bit of monetary issue, so I’m sure it’ll be water under the bridge, but I regret putting that pressure on her.

There’s also problems with Significex, who I am jealous of her new fella despite the fact that I know I don’t want to get back with her, and that it would almost certainly never work if we did. I do still feel like there’s an awkwardness when we’re together, despite the fact that I’ve said my big piece and am now ready to work at us being friends. Really, this would be ideal, as we’re very close, very, similar, and very good at ‘challenging’ and ’stimulating’ each other intellectually, but always had difficulty meshing as partners. So that’s an issue, but one that time (and sense, and communication) should fix.

Who in your life is subtracting value from and adding misery to it?

I’m tempted to say me, but I don’t think that’s really in the spirit of this. But then, I don’t think there is much blame I can put elsewhere without starting to get conceptual and/or passing the buck (I mean…I could blame the government, or the aliens, or the men in black, or even just the brewers and the landlords, but yeah, I think it’d lack usefulness).

The relationships above aren’t working, but through their own problems, and I don’t think the people in question are adding misery.

I guess there’s the rude bastards at work, or there’s the people that don’t pay me enough for my time.

Gah, I can’t think of people to blame. I think this is partly to do with the fact that I find it difficult to criticise people. I don’t like seeing bad in people when I know there is good. This partly has to do with the fact that I am terrified of losing people, particularly losing them when I haven’t shown them the appreciation and love that they deserve. This is because I have made that mistake too many times already.

Sorry. I think that’s the best I can do. Hope this doesn’t ruin this.

Do you believe you should you let them go from your life?

Uhoh. Well. I didn’t bring anyone to account, so I can hardly get rid of them.

I guess though, that this means that I don’t think I should get them out of my life, because nobody has done anything bad enough to warrant that kind of treatment.

Maybe I should be looking at this differently. Like the booze, or the time pressures. They could go. Maybe I need to clean up more, and plan my time so that I do get more opportunities to see more friends. This works sometimes, but not always.

What’s the single most important thing you’ve learned about yourself as a result of answering these questions?

Now, this one I’m going to totally cheat on, and throw it open to the floor. What is the single most important thing you’ve learnt about me as a result of my answers here?

Seriously, anybody who still actually reads my posts? Let me know what you’ve learnt about me from these questions. I’m intrigued.

Thanks Brightfeather for the inspiration, I’d better go clean up this sodding place.