Gah.
Flood of posts in one day all rubbish.
I am totally disconnected from reality today. I feel like I’m not talking right. I just went for a walk to make sure the real world was still real, and it didn’t feel right out there. Or in here.
I think it’s my skin.
I’m having these bursts of energy and excitement, mostly caused by music, and I was doing my dancing around excitedly, pulling poses for the mirror upstairs, and generally bathing and enjoying my day off with my body.
But I don’t feel real at all at the moment. Abstract guitar noise isn’t helping. Or maybe it is…I don’t know.
But yeah. Not real. Not really here. I want my hips bigger. I keep thinking about wanting the curve from my waist to my thighs to be smoother, but I don’t want to get rid of my lovely jutting (not jutting, but prominent) hipbone. But the curves wrong. Probably the whole man thing cropping up again.
So part of it’s physical. But I also feel like I can’t maintain conversation. Like I’ve forgotten what word goes where. I know what’s supposed to be going on. But it’s not coming out.
I’ve done a lot of writing, and had a lovely and vibrant (yeah…vibrant) chat with the Sea Witch (formerly a fox) that was lovely and vibrant. That was probably my high point though. everything apart from that has left me feeling alien.
I am enjoying this music though. If you can call it that. It’s an electric sounding solo guitar number by the guy with the funny name. Smashana. All feedback and violence. Great name for an album. Incidentally.
But yeah, I think it’s just been a totally screwed up week. Lots of people in limbo right now. Lots of people lost and confused, and I guess I’m just recoiling from everything from fear of not being right. My drunken last weekend was so inconsiderate that I’ve felt a lot of self contempt. Anti social and generally completely uncaring for a while. Okay, so it was the booze, but that’s no excuse. And I had been so close to being much more sorted out in that regard. So I’ve failed, and I’ve spent this whole week exiling myself to make up for it. Not that I’ve not kept a nice social face on though. I’m good at that. Always a smile and a banter. And a whinge.
But yeah, there’s illness in the air, it’s not just Gygax, it’s loved ones of those close to me. And Pere de Sea Witch, who I know mostly through an excellent shared music taste (before me and the Sea Witch started sailing together, I made him a mix CD because I liked the CDs he made for her so much) and nothing else. Just the Sea Magic holding us together. Doesn’t stop me worrying. His operation went fine, and we’re waiting for news. Waiting.
Distance. Time, and place.
Disconnected.
Which I think is what it’s coming down to,
My body is emulating, emotionally and physically, the status of the relationships around me. I feel like I’m in a shell of me. Because I feel seperated from everything that matters to me that’s happening to me. And the future. The future is scary. My promotion comes to an end at the end of this month, and I go back to not enough hours to live off. Looking for jobs, want something good, something that’ll broaden me.
Selling myself again. Writing personal statements and CVs. Deciding.
Alienated from my decisions.
Can’t write myself up in this state. Don’t feel enough like me. Must do something though.
Gah.
Disconnection.
So my body, is mirroring the situations around me. Maybe I need to fix them. But there’s nothing I can do. It’s that lack of control that makes me drink. You drink enough, you forget about other people, you don’t need to worry about things you can’t help, because you stop worrying about anything.
Selfishness. But it gives you a break. Hurts others though. Not much, maybe, if you’re lucky, and sometimes they blame the drink and not you. But the guilt is the same. Worse even, because you know it isn’t you, it’s someone you let inside you.
Distance. From self. From others. From Future. From Life.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel down, or depressed. I just feel lost. A little nothing. I feel a little nothing. Maybe.
Forgot to post this, just left it half way through. Oops.
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Now playing: Sir Richard Bishop – [While My Guitar Violently Bleeds #02] smashana [foobar2000 v0.9.4.3]
via FoxyTunes
Sometimes I have days that are remarkably like what you described. I don’t seem to be having such a day today. I think sunshine makes a big difference for me. There’s another thing. Sometimes I really like being confused. I take it as a sign that there’s something for me to learn. If I’m not confused it means there’s a fair chance I’m just dead wrong about something.
I’ve had that feeling. I used to get it like everyday for a whole week or so everynow and then. The most similar word I’ve found for it is “despersonalzation” and “desrealization” two terms I learned in my psych rotation. Although more common when you’re having an episode of whatever mental illness, it can happen aswell to anyone, associated with situations going on in their lives.
I found that in my case, it happens more when I have periods of times when I don’t talk to people much and spend a long while by myself.
It could be that something else is making you withdraw, and then the withdrawal gives you the feelings you describe. Of not being real, not being quite there, seeing you have a body and a place in the world, but not feeling that’s completely true.
Amoeboid: I sometimes also like to be confused, probably for the same reason you mention.
I think it’s frustrating to feel so alienated by the day to day. It becomes normal to feel like this. More dramatic if its evidence of some ongoing psychodrama sure, but this does feel like the norm sometimes.
And it’s seperate from confusion maybe. Confusion can definitely be positive, because it’s all opportunities for learning, and probably an indicator that you are learning.
Losing connection though, that can be real bad, and I’ve had real bad times, so it always scares me. Gotta find a way to reconnect, but that’s not always easy, and forcing it is unlikely to work.
I am feeling a bit better now. But the stresses haven’t gone. I still feel too far from my future, and the things and people that are important to me. Frustration abounds.