Gut Wrench
There is a hole in the pit of my gut. A huge writhing knot of dark matter twisting and turning and hurting.
I actually couldn’t make it in to work today because of a full on stomach cramp.
I’ve been feeling emotions much more physically lately, which has been great when I’ve been happy and bouncy and electrically loving life. But currently it means it all really hurts.
I’ve been wanting to vomit it out. Push the darkness out of my gut and flush it away.
I don’t think these things are that simple.
I’ve spent a lot of today thinking about cutting my hair off. Just hacking away at it and leaving it a chaotic jumble of curls.
Okay, it’s already a chaotic jumble, but gravity is clearly winning.
I want to break it. Destroy myself somehow. Or at least try and end all of this. Start a new portion.
(Incidentally, nobody get too worried, you should know by now that a couple of depressed posts and a short story about suicide does not mean I’ve gone total self destruct. It’s not that bad, and I know that. I just need to stop feeling the way I feel…and that’s not easy.)
But yeah, there was the time I was on the train and I remembered the Kaveman briefly. A warmth, starting as a tingle in my nose, just cascaded right through my body. It was electrifying and invigorating. I felt more alive from head to toe.
That’s how much I love that guy, he has a place in my heart, he always will.
So will they all. All of those loved ones (they know who they are).
I’ve got so much to be grateful for. Surrounded by wonderful friends and good people. I’ve got my health (just about) and technically, I’m being paid a lot of money to do not a lot of work.
The fact that the work makes me miserable, and that I’ve been (what feels like) pointlessly dumped by someone I love (who, admittedly, I know will remain as a friend forever, so it’s not like I’ve really lost her….of course, in the immediate, that’s not going to help, that’s only going to make it worse) shouldn’t really be that big a deal. This is fucking tiny little beans compared to the shit people put up with all the time in this world.
But that doesn’t change the feeling in my gut. The twisting, writhing ball of pain.
It’s a blockage. I should really go to Tai Chi, but I just don’t have the energy. I need to get it out. I need to pass it away and enter a new phase.
I’m terrified that I might cut my hair, much like I’m terrified of leaving anything behind.
So it stays in my gut, this feeling of loss and regret.
I won’t feel better until I let go.
But if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s how bad I am at letting go.
This could be some time, sorry if this place turns all melancholy. I always feel like I’m dicking you guys out of something when I become morose and self obsessed. I’ll try and keep it down…but…well…y’know.
Peas and gloves.
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Shit, sorry to hear that. Don’t beat yourself up, sometimes we all need a little space to feel crap, especially when dumped which is, after all the shitter of shitters on the crap o meter.
All things must pass but I can appreciate that sometimes they take a long time and it’s fucking annoying. Just try to relax and be patient…
…. oh yeh… and DON’T cut your hair!
Cheers
BC
Yeah, I probably just need people to tell me not to cut it off fairly regularly for a while. I know I’ll regret it. But still. It’s been a long time since I looked different to this. It might change everything.
But thanks. There’s much shitter stuff in the world, but yeah…that’s the part of me that isn’t in charge right now saying that.
Thanks BC, you’re a star. (And I hope you’re doing alright at the moment…big love and that).
Haha, for some reason my mind has been threatening to cut my own hair too…
Let’s not give up! Hair stays long!
Hey, when was the last time you had it short?
I love talking about hair… sometimes I’m such a girl.
Just so you know, I keep on reading, no matter how gloomy it gets, maybe I just don’t comment much, because I myself am not too cheery at the moment. I’m a mess.
At least I’ve learned that even though your life (objectively) might be just perfect, your mind might not be too happy anyway. It’s like something independent. And just because people with no arms and legs are having more fun than you, it means you should slap yourself and keep quiet because your gut is trying to get out of you. It is even more depressing that people with no arms and legs are having more fun than you actually. So, lets not think about people with no arms and legs anymore. You have all the right to be miserable! But I still hope you stop feeling miserable… well, maybe you are not feeling miserable, I am, but I tend to project things on people, so, whatever.
*hugs* Please keep posting, no matter how melancholic.
it DOESN’T mean you should slap…*
My initial (and rather unpleasant) reaction was that it seems a bit cruel to slap yourself when they can’t even do that.
But you have got a point. I hope we all stop feeling miserable, but it’s not easy. Whatever your worries, they’re always gonna be there. And if I wasn’t wrapped up in myself I’d probably just spend even more time being disturbed by the huge amounts of death and trouble around the world. (The death toll in Burma is certainly giving a different perspective).
As for the haircut. It’s been a very long time. Here’s a photo from 2002, so it must have been within a year of that. http://www.flickr.com/photos/shinymcshine/182586177/
There were one or two trims in the early days, but they were very minor, and definitely none in the last four-five years.
So that’s something, I guess.
But maybe it is time.
And you cheer up too. (Because of course, if I say the words, it shall be so).
Thinking of ya.
I gave up!
I cut my hair last night… well, it was too long, and now it’s like halfway. Still about 5 cm below the shoulders.
The tips were too dry.
Stay well.
But now what is there to stop me hacking away at it?
I’m sure it’s a bad idea. I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in the cutting of hair, but then, I can’t think of any better way to dramatically change myself.
I am however feeling slightly better today, the sun is penetrating properly, and I’m both working more, and less…which seems to get the best out of it. (Right now I’m skiving by taking a long walk from one work site to the next, with a brief stop at home….basically, extending my break for a loooong walk in the sun…but most of the day I’ve been relatively productive, so I don’t even feel that guilty.)
It is tres gorgeous outside. Hope i can maintain this trend. (Do I mean become as gorgeous as the sun…I hope so….I do love feeling pretty y’know….though I don’t at the moment….ramble).
Nooooooo! Don’t cut your hair! ;-)
Cheers
BC
*smile*
You haven’t posted in a while. Are you alright?
Been a busy week. I’m really down right this nowness..borderline tears, but it’s mostly just weariness at the whole weekend (festival, music, noise, work, general lovelorn-ness). I assume. I’m run down and feeling super emotional. May just be a moon thing. These things happen.
But thanks, thanks for asking. I’ll find something to put up here soon.
Be well.