Gut Wrench

There is a hole in the pit of my gut. A huge writhing knot of dark matter twisting and turning and hurting.

I actually couldn’t make it in to work today because of a full on stomach cramp.

I’ve been feeling emotions much more physically lately, which has been great when I’ve been happy and bouncy and electrically loving life. But currently it means it all really hurts.

I’ve been wanting to vomit it out. Push the darkness out of my gut and flush it away.

I don’t think these things are that simple.

I’ve spent a lot of today thinking about  cutting my hair off. Just hacking away at it and leaving it a chaotic jumble of curls.

Okay, it’s already a chaotic jumble, but gravity is clearly winning.

I want to break it. Destroy myself somehow. Or at least try and end all of this. Start a new portion.

(Incidentally, nobody get too worried, you should know by now that a couple of depressed posts and a short story about suicide does not mean I’ve gone total self destruct. It’s not that bad, and I know that. I just need to stop feeling the way I feel…and that’s not easy.)

But yeah, there was the time I was on the train and I remembered the Kaveman briefly. A warmth, starting as a tingle in my nose, just cascaded right through my body. It was electrifying and invigorating. I felt more alive from head to toe.

That’s how much I love that guy, he has a place in my heart, he always will.

So will they all. All of those loved ones (they know who they are).

I’ve got so much to be grateful for. Surrounded by wonderful friends and good people. I’ve got my health (just about) and technically, I’m being paid a lot of money to do not a lot of work.

The fact that the work makes me miserable, and that I’ve been (what feels like) pointlessly dumped by someone I love (who, admittedly, I know will remain as a friend forever, so it’s not like I’ve really lost her….of course, in the immediate, that’s not going to help, that’s only going to make it worse) shouldn’t really be that big a deal. This is fucking tiny little beans compared to the shit people put up with all the time in this world.

But that doesn’t change the feeling in my gut. The twisting, writhing ball of pain.

It’s a blockage. I should really go to Tai Chi, but I just don’t have the energy. I need to get it out. I need to pass it away and enter a new phase.

I’m terrified that I might cut my hair, much like I’m terrified of leaving anything behind.

So it stays in my gut, this feeling of loss and regret.

I won’t feel better until I let go.

But if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s how bad I am at letting go.

This could be some time, sorry if this place turns all melancholy. I always feel like I’m dicking you guys out of something when I become morose and self obsessed. I’ll try and keep it down…but…well…y’know.

Peas and gloves.