Will always miss you
Woke up streaming with tears. I’d been crying in the dream.
It was a strange dream. A set of squatted underground catacombs with a castle and a narrow boat. I ran to save someone who’d killed themselves, but they were okay. They were still there, in tears. I helped her up and bought her back to the group. She’d realised it was okay, it was good.
Then I heard music from the castle (actually a music school).
It was Doctor Gradus ad Parnassum by Debussy. Rich, lustrous and heaving with emotion.
And for me. It’s always going to be Will’s song.
For those that don’t know, Will was an incredibly close friend of mine who died in a car crash when we were 19. I loved him dearly and I always will.
Anyway, it was a perfect performance (heavier and thicker than usual, I can’t really explain). Really loud and deep and full.
Everyone in the building roared with cheers and applause. It was perfect.
Will was always a perfectionist, and never felt that anything was perfect no matter how many people loved it. His music was always incredible, his gift to me is thousands of memories of pieces of music. I love a lot of the things I love because of him. He broadened and opened me. And part of my humour belongs to him.
Anyway, he came down to try and get me to come sing with him. I think that was what he wanted. But he wanted me to come with him.
I was face down on the cold, damp stone floor. And my eyes started streaming.
I realised something was out of place, but I was also happier than I could imagine. One friend saved from the edge, and another who I could go sing with.
I can’t really sing that well, but I enjoy it more than anything. Will understood that, and always let me join in. We did killer duets. I felt blessed everytime. He was so good I always sounded better because of it.
So in the dream, it was happiness that made me cry. Everything was right and perfect somehow.
But I woke up. I was still crying, and in that instant I remembered everything.
I’ll miss you forever Will. I love you endlessly.
Lots of love, not just for Will, but for everyone who’s lost someone incredible.
It’ll hurt everyday. Then it won’t hurt everyday, because you’ll forget for periods. Then it’ll hurt more.
But they’ll always be with you. And you’ll always have them with you.
Will touched so much of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am without him in my life. So he’s here with me. Everytime I sing, or hit a piano, or a drum, or a guitar. Every noise I make is partly him.
Thanks dude.
*hugs*
That was a pretty intense dream. Although it was incredibly sad, it was also a very special thing, wasn’t it? :) I can see you loved him very much, I’m sorry that he is not around you anymore.
crazyasuka
25 May 2008
My dreams have been totally off on one lately, and I’ve been remembering lots of them better.
The weird thing with this was the juxtaposition of the dream tears, which were all joy and rightness, and the blur into reality, and that profound immediate sense of absolute loss. Once I think, and deal with it (partly through writing the above) I remember that I’ve dealt with it, to some extent, already.
But it all bounces back to the moment I found out. My whole world falling apart and hours of tears.
Lots of emotions around at the moment.
I went and did a big Tai Chi bout just after writing this, and I felt a hella lot better afterward. Though it’s been a weird day in ways I can’t really go into on here. The plus side is that I had a big chat with the Sea Witch which makes me understand the whole deal a bit better now.
A step in a process.
Hugs back at ya by the way.x
Alabaster Crippens
26 May 2008
Where did you learn Tai Chi? I wish I had something like that…
crazyasuka
27 May 2008
I learn from the people who run this thing:
http://www.clearskytaichi.co.uk/
They are wonderful. I’ve been doing it almost two years now. It’s had insanely huge positive effects in my life, even though I’m nowhere near being any good at it. It’s funny though, I’ve learnt enough (and improved my sensitivity enough) that now I know how far from being really good I am. Which means I’ve come leaps and bounds.
I really recommend it, but you’ve got to find a good teacher.
I don’t know any round your way though, alas. though if you’re ever in brighton….
Probably not helpful.
But if you can find someone, do it, it’s incredibly positive for all sorts of things. My life is much better for it, and in crisis situations like this, if I make myself do it, it can really sort things out.
Let me know if you want to know more about it, but the website is probably more informative than I could be.
Alabaster Crippens
27 May 2008
Cracking post. That’s amazing. Sometimes I wonder if dreams like that are the dead’s way of coming back to visit us. You wake up just thinking how great it was to see the person again, to catch up and find out how they were.
It’s like fresh air! Treasure it.
Cheers
BC
babychaos
30 May 2008
I definitely got some of that. Like it made me so sad, and I was in tears and a mess. But I dealt and i was left with this overall feeling of missing him, but also remembering things. I spent most of the day telling stories about stuff we used to do together. Reliving those tiny wonderful moments.
Always on my mind.
Alabaster Crippens
30 May 2008
It sounds like you’ve been having a tough time at the moment. Maybe he did come back. I’ve had the odd experience like this which has made me think that anything’s possible!
Cheers
BC
babychaos
3 June 2008
He’s definitely been in my head a lot since the dream. It’s good to have him around, even if it is leading to a generally melancholy set of thoughts about absent friends in general. Keep dreaming about people I don’t see enough any more. Makes me feel bad.
Alabaster Crippens
3 June 2008