Just did some washing up and had to give up halfway through because I got too sad.
What is it about the mundane everyday tasks that occasionally just bring home the meaninglessness of everything.
Suddenly I felt trapped and surrounded by a hundred million things wrong with my life. A thousand happinesses that I’ve missed out on and will never have.
I feel so lonely and lost and sad. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.
I think I’ve pushed myself to hard this weekend, even though yesterday I practically did nothing. My system is rebelling, and it’s picking Sunday evening because it knows I’ve got little or nothing to look forward to. Week of work lies ahead, and unless I’m positive I can’t make this work work. This is my problem. With hard work and forward positive thinking, I can emphasise the parts of my post I want to do, make an exciting and interesting difference, and briskly rush through the things I don’t like.
But if I go in down, then I stay down, I do nothing and I waste the day on pointless thoughts and meaningless drivel.
Just like my days off.
My guts feel Gordian and swollen. My face feels flat and stony. It takes every remaining ounce of energy just to stop myself from crumpling inwards.
And I feel like I can’t talk to the people I talk to in this situation. One’s part of the problem, another has her own problems, and I need to be there for them instead, another’s busy, and wrapped up with her problem that may not be a problem but it means I can’t find an opportunity to talk properly.
I can’t relate to people right now.
My instinct is to hide away, but I need to do the opposite. All I can think of to do is drown myself in pop culture, music, videos or whatever. But I can’t. I can’t engage.
It’s like the gear in my brain that interacts with the rest of the world, the huge engine that we’re all part of, has popped out of place, or got ground down. My teeth won’t interlock with anything, and I’m left freewheeling. Any attempt to resume contact will just result in sparks flying and more people getting ground down.
So I’m lost.
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I often feel like, in the huge engine that we’re all part of, I’m a rock stuck in somewhere in it. I have experienced this urge to run and hide from the world… cause nobody can really help you, so why burden them. And at the same time you know that it’s the last thing you should do.
I’ve seen you going down and down with every post. It might sound bad, but you expressed things so well in this one post.
This is you making some kind of contact.
You are trying.
*hug*
All things must pass. All will be well again.
As a bit of a misfit, I promise you one day, you will find a place and a person where you fit in.
Take each day as it comes and hang in there. You are still fighting and that means you will get through this.
Cheers
BC
I am in the personal development industry. This means, that theoretically speaking, i have the skills and the capabilities to, within reason, “make” myself happy most of the time. Furthermore, there is this distorted perception of some people that I actually always should be happy. MUPPETS!
Quite frankly, there are days where I feel like the machine in my head that engages with people is broken. When I wake up feeling like that, I make a choice: either wallow, or move on. And trust me, when I decide to wallow, i do it properly.
We need these times as much as the “good” times. They show us things about ourselves, our needs, and how we deal with things. These “bad” times are a necessary counterpart to other experiences.
It all reminds me of tyler durden after the carcrash: “We just had a new life experience”. Sometimes, the first step to re-engaging with the world is realizing that you can allow yourself to do it. And sometimes, you also have to allow yourself to feel down…cycles keep turning.
I’m with you on the cycles. But it does feel like I’m cycling downhill at the moment. Or at best just on an exercise bike. Going nowhere, learning nothing.
Which obviously isn’t true. I’m surviving, so i must be learning, even if it is only about the negative polarised version of existence.
I’m still finding it hard. But I must seem quite solid externally. Fanny’s just about the only person whose spotted how down I am. She helps, but I can’t rely on her.
You’re all saying the things I’m feeling, or the things I know I should be feeling.
Thanks. It’s good to know you’re all out there worrying, feeling and thinking. Just like everybody. And me.
Thanks definitely. Sorry it’s all messy. Still not talking well.
The main up at the moment is that I’m nurturing a story in the back of my mind. It’s just wisps of idea right now…but I can feel it coalescing.
And today was easier than yesterday, and I’ll still be here tomorrow.
So it can’t be all bad.
Thanks again. It might take me a while to come unstuck. Or stick myself back together. Whichever order that’s supposed to happen in.
Guess we’ll find out.
Love.
Are you also sad because Justine Henin has retired? It is sad, she really counter-revolutionised womens tennis. (Sorry, I’ve got better ears than mouths, I only have one mouth for a start, but I’m sure you know what I’m trying to get at)…
I’m pretty sure we’ve had a talk about my relationship with tennis. I think you may be missing the point.
alternatively:
who the fuck is Justine Henin?
Hope you’re well. x
I feel the same today and this week. Maybe it’s something in the cosmos, like the fact we’re almost back to days getting shorter and darker already. How can we feel great and on top of the world one day, and the next feel so lost and lonely we’d rather not be alive at all? Fuck the weather, it’s pissing it down which means i can’t even escape to the fields from my parents without getting soaked. FACK FACK FACK. I’m so angry today! and sad. and all the negative emotions one can think of.
embrace the rain!
*hugs* hope you will feel better soon.