Lots going on. Sorry I haven’t posted forever.
The big news, the scary news? You want it?
Don’t misinterpret me though, I insist.
Essentially, the other night I broke up with someone because they weren’t comfortable with my gender identity.
This is particularly shocking because the whole point of my gender identity is that it’s fluid and unlabelled, so I don’t know how much there is to rebel against or find shocking. Sure I wear dresses, and I enjoy feeling sexy, I enjoy presenting myself in challenging but comfortable ways. I enjoy expressing me as much as I can, and there’s lots of bits to me, so it gets messy.
But I never realised how much my identity was bound up with this, and that the gender aspect was important enough to me for it to be a dealbreaker. It’s essentially saying that this is a big part of me. Bigger and more important than I ever expected.
I find this scary, though I’m finding it hard top explain why. I guess it’s the fear that this could come up again and again. Most people (I assume) are going to find it difficult to understand (I don’t understand it, and it’s my fucking identity), and it’s probably going to scare them.
So I’m in flux, and feel kinda adrift.
The solution, or at least, the plan for to day, is to go shopping for pretty clothes. And it’s halloween so I get to dress up and not stand out quite so much.
Anyway, I guess it means I’m more genderqueer than I thought. This is kinda big and kinda scary. But I’m not really in a state to start analysing myself over it. Not that I haven’t torn apart bits of it in the past, it’s just that I’ve distanced myself by ‘knowing’ that it’s more theoretical than practical.
In other news, Nano is about to start. I’ve got an idea full of trees, dryads and vagaries. More detailed than last year, with more threads and feelings than grandiose concepts. So it might work out better. But I’m not overly confident.
But we had the first meet up last night, and I remembered how much I love meeting the nano people, bunch of lunatics that we are. Speaking of lunatics, I was entirely nuts the whole time, head all over the place because of the above, so I may have scared off some of the coolest and most interesting people I’ve met in a while.
My brain sometimes takes to becomin a spoon entirely needlessly.
Also, I’ve been listening to Karl Marx Stadt a lot. Absolutely incredible. I can’t really capture what makes it so wonderful. Capturing a mess of derivative ingredients and throwing them together with such light hearted glee, and a really sensitive ear, so you end up with some of the most brash, inspiring, challenging and intense music. I was thinking of it yesterday as being slightly Lynchian, in that it seems to make any other music seem so weak and flat after you’ve been listening to it, but that might just be because it’s so noisy that you can’t really hear anything properly. The album is finely crafted, slowly touring through a selection of dance subgenres, building in intensity until the most ludicrously complex and scary breakcore in town(I played the track six red dead to my friend TechDiff, who makes and performs breakcore himself and he seemed genuinely disturbed by the intense fuckedness of the whole performance…which is imporessive). I’d reccommend it to anyone who likes noise as much as they like music, otherwise it might not be your cuppa.
I guess I should’ve spread that out over three posts and actually claimed to be posting regularly…but that didn’t happen.
I’ll making up for it by posting chunks of nano on here s they get written, just not the whole thing.
Peas and gloves.